Steady is a Choice

My band is pretty tight, but could use a fill. However, I am intentionally not doing it until August for several reasons:

1. Holding a weight is good for me - buying new clothes every week is a financial nightmare.
2. I want to introduce more steady exercise - rapid weigh loss makes me feel weak at first. I am working on getting fit, just just a scale number.
   
3. Vacations! While in Seattle at the end of May I had very little problem eating which made seafood a joy. Now I am spending a week with the family in Phoenix, followed by the whole gang coming here for the week after the 4th of July and topped off by 10 days in England for work. I don't want to struggle to find the right foods to eat and then struggle to keep them down during that time.
   

I have a natural high gag reflex, so when my tummy gets irritated (stress, band tightening, sinus drainage) I gag easily. That makes keeping healthy food down a challenge. I live on hot chocolate, soup and coffee. If I added cigarettes I could be super model! LOL Mostly I want to manage the times I have the band tightened so that it is the most effective for me.

So don't expect much of a change in weight until after August unless working out works out!

Unintended Consequences

Life change, any life change, has unintended consequences. Today I am sitting on my patio contemplating those that have come as result of my weight loss.

1. Being outside, dressed, early and active. Before I was so ashamed, exhausted and found it hard to do anything so I became even more of a recluse. Just sitting on the patio to work a bit has my neighbors stopping by to say hello. Nice.
   
2. Strength and stamina. I finished (almost) landscaping my yard this week. I have a little more to do: stain the fence, install the netting so Ginger doesn't throw things out of the fence and plant ground cover by the driveway. However, over the last several weeks I have done or helped get a lot done including pulling two large bushes out. My neighbors love it; I love it and I cannot wait to have friends over this summer. (See #1 for why that didn't happen before.)
3. People notice me. Good, bad, indifferent when you are super obese, people don't want to notice you. They see their future or past. They judge why you are that way. They assume you are lazy or uncaring. Not only have people noticed me, I actually had a man hit on me at Lowe's while shopping. He gave his business card and suggested I call him. Whoa! New world.
   
4. Vulnerabilities. Fat insulated me from being hurt. I could increase insulation by eating to sooth myself. Now that's gone. So I started back to counseling a couple of times a month. Nothing dramatic, but last session focused on the fact that a guy I was seeing was really selfish and it was okay for me to want someone to care about me as much as he cares about himself. It's finding new tools for coping and recognizing being vulnerable is okay.
5. Speaking of Soothing and Coping. Food was a narcotic for me. Now not only can't I eat the same foods, but no where near the volume I would need to get the high. Gotta find new ways to soothe myself: Prayer, writing, swimming, walking, gardening, sewing, and reading are all good. Retail therapy is not so good - don't have the money.
6. Boredom. Before just finding time to take a nap, eat and rest up was my schedule, so things like TV and video games sucked up time like there was no tomorrow. Now that bores me. My DVR schedule is down from nearly 100 shows to about 20 - and I don't have time to see them. I am restless and constantly looking for things to do. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy down time - that's genetic. But I don't need the mind-numbing things I did before.
   
7. Hungry Mind. When my body isn't hungry I find my mind is. I am consuming books, classes and podcasts like buffet. I have a to-do list of classes I want to take that would blow your mind. I have more to do than I can manage.
8. Vanity versus Acceptance. My upper arms have been big since I was in high school. I saw a photo of myself in a sleeveless top and never wore one in public again for years. Then seeing really fat women in sleeveless tops made me not do it because of how disgusting it looks. Now, being middle aged and lost weight - I have bingo arms, bat wings or what ever you want to call them. If I raise my arm too quickly the flesh keeps moving after I stop. Also I have a condition called vitaligo - me and Michael Jackson - that causes my skin to depigment. And not attractively. It happens in patches and spreads. Most people get it on their backs, chests, faces and hands. I am fortunate so far to have it on my arms and legs with two tiny patches on my face and chest. For years I stayed out of the sun so I didn't have two-toned skin ending up looking like a tanned cow hide. Cow was part of the reason. Vanity was the other part. However, I am learning to accept my patchwork skin and darnit I love being outside again. So I will be a bit calico for the summer. The vitamin D and the fun will be worth it. I can accept my upper arms, inner thigh flab, and calico skin in exchange for a longer life. Vanity won't win this battle.

Perfection is a myth for the young. Living a long, full, joyous life is a reality if you want it bad enough. I can take the unintended consequences of getting healthy when what I give up is so meaningless.

Yet Another Wedding

That's my friend Forrest dancing with me. It was his wedding. He's waited 40 years to find the love of his life. I was thrilled to be there to celebrate with him.

That's a photo of me right before my surgery. Obviously the same girl - not like the Hydroxycut ads, but not the same girl at all inside.

I haven't lost any more weight this month, but I have started exercising more, which is really changing the shape of my body and my mind.

I wish I could lose more weight in my face, but it's a big difference. Between us, I want to darken my hair again - it's too red right now, but if I have to live with what I see in the recent photo - I can.